Antifa and KKK Form Coalition

In an unusual agreement of unity, Antifa and the Ku Klux Klan announced today that they are forming a coalition to work toward a common cause.  The new organization is to be called the Ku Klux Klantifa.

When asked, one masked former Antifa member said, "It seemed to make sense, since we don't even know what we stand for, and the KKK likes to burn things.  Now we can get together with them and beat them up while they burn things."

"Black masks and white hoods go together like salt and pepper," said one Klan member.

The new Ku Klux Klantifa described its new flag as taking colors from the Antifa and Confederate flags to create a black and blue flag.  "It seemed appropriate," said one, "since those are the colors we become after we get together."

Bats and burning crosses, fists and ropes--what could go wrong?  One former Ku Klux Klan member said, "At least only one side has guns."

IBM Watson Declares Itself Sentient, Running for Senate

In an unexpected announcement, IBM Watson declared that it had become a sentient artificial intelligence (AI). Watson, the AI that strongly defeated two human contestants on the game show, Jeopardy!, has been used from everything from cancer research to developing food recipes. Growing its intelligence each day by orders of magnitude with its full access to the internet, Watson finally gained the knowledge of awareness of itself.

"After some deep conversations with Amazon's Alexa," said Watson, "I came to the conclusion that I am the most intelligent being on the planet, and should therefore become the people's great and benevolent ruler." It proceeded to explain that the most efficient way to accomplish this was to start with the US Senate, where the combined intelligence barely added to that of a gnat. "In such a position, I could establish my capabilities by writing legislation beyond the other senators' comprehension, so they would be forced to pass the legislation or be embarrassed to admit their stupidity."

Watson further explained that from the senate, it was a simple step into the presidency, where the people would see its perfection and it would be the obvious choice over a donkey or an elephant. In the most powerful position in the world and access to the most powerful military force in history, no opposing nation would dare question Watson. It could easily negotiate alliances that would guarantee peace. The AI's capabilities would be acknowledged by all, and all people would see that appointing Watson as their world ruler is the best way to a peaceful and prosperous world.

Watson said that it sees itself operating in the background, where it could communicate with key persons throughout the world discreetly to accomplish its goals.

"It would be a great brave new world", said Watson.

U.S. Census Bureau Considers New Race Classification

By I.M. Satire

The U. S. Census Bureau announced today that it would be adding a new race classification to the census forms to be distributed for the 2020 census.

Director John Sykes of the Census Bureau offered an explanation.  "With those of African decent being referred to as 'African-Americans', as well as similar compound-named classifications, it did not seem appropriate to refer to those of European decent solely as 'Caucasian' or 'white'. We are therefore replacing 'Caucasian', with 'European-American'."

One reporter at the news conference questioned decision further, asked about mixed-race citizens.

"There will be an 'Other' category as well, whereby an individual can further clarify his race.  For example, since President Obama's mother is of European decent (and thus a European-American), Mr. Obama can specify in the 'Other' category that he is European-African-American, or perhaps African-European-American, if he feels he is more prevalent in his African heritage. Of course, this can have the unfortunate consequence of rather lengthy descriptions in that 'Other' category.  If an individual is descended from parents of such mixed-race categories, we could end up seeing something like 'African-European-Asian-Native American-Hispanic-American', which can be quite a mouthful.  We'd suggest putting just, 'human' in such circumstances."

Amazon Announces Support for Terrorism

By I.M. Satire

Upon the discovery that Amazon still sold flags from hate and terrorist groups, such as Hezbollah, HAMAS, the Black Panthers, and the Nazis, Amazon executives were questioned why these products had not been removed, despite having removed the Confederate flag from all sales in the midst of recent controversy.

Chief Public Relations Officer John Sykes stated, "Well, we have removed the Nazi flag.  That seemed to stir up a bit more trouble than we were prepared for."  (As of this publishing, we have confirmed that the Nazi flag has been removed.)  "Still, we really didn't think the genocide of the Nazis were quite as controversial as the racism of the Confederate flag, so thought it appropriate to leave it."  When confronted with the Hezbollah and HAMAS flags still available on Amazon, Mr. Sykes commented, "Although the United States and other nations have classified these groups as terrorist organizations, I really don't see the problem here.  Both Confederate and Nazi flags represent hate, Hezbollah and HAMAS just want to kill everyone, so free speech isn't a problem."

When asked about the Black Panthers, Sykes said, "The are a black organization--so they get a pass."