U.S. Census Bureau Considers New Race Classification

By I.M. Satire

The U. S. Census Bureau announced today that it would be adding a new race classification to the census forms to be distributed for the 2020 census.

Director John Sykes of the Census Bureau offered an explanation.  "With those of African decent being referred to as 'African-Americans', as well as similar compound-named classifications, it did not seem appropriate to refer to those of European decent solely as 'Caucasian' or 'white'. We are therefore replacing 'Caucasian', with 'European-American'."

One reporter at the news conference questioned decision further, asked about mixed-race citizens.

"There will be an 'Other' category as well, whereby an individual can further clarify his race.  For example, since President Obama's mother is of European decent (and thus a European-American), Mr. Obama can specify in the 'Other' category that he is European-African-American, or perhaps African-European-American, if he feels he is more prevalent in his African heritage. Of course, this can have the unfortunate consequence of rather lengthy descriptions in that 'Other' category.  If an individual is descended from parents of such mixed-race categories, we could end up seeing something like 'African-European-Asian-Native American-Hispanic-American', which can be quite a mouthful.  We'd suggest putting just, 'human' in such circumstances."

Amazon Announces Support for Terrorism

By I.M. Satire

Upon the discovery that Amazon still sold flags from hate and terrorist groups, such as Hezbollah, HAMAS, the Black Panthers, and the Nazis, Amazon executives were questioned why these products had not been removed, despite having removed the Confederate flag from all sales in the midst of recent controversy.

Chief Public Relations Officer John Sykes stated, "Well, we have removed the Nazi flag.  That seemed to stir up a bit more trouble than we were prepared for."  (As of this publishing, we have confirmed that the Nazi flag has been removed.)  "Still, we really didn't think the genocide of the Nazis were quite as controversial as the racism of the Confederate flag, so thought it appropriate to leave it."  When confronted with the Hezbollah and HAMAS flags still available on Amazon, Mr. Sykes commented, "Although the United States and other nations have classified these groups as terrorist organizations, I really don't see the problem here.  Both Confederate and Nazi flags represent hate, Hezbollah and HAMAS just want to kill everyone, so free speech isn't a problem."

When asked about the Black Panthers, Sykes said, "The are a black organization--so they get a pass."